2004-06-01 - 1:45 a.m.
sometimes i ride in cars in the passenger seat next to girls and i catch them not saying anything.. and they have a default look on their face where the corners of their mouths rest when they're asleep.. and i always wonder to myself if they're miserable .. because that default face is a miserable look.. it seems resigned to its fate.. and what makes it even more miserable is when they catch me looking at them, and their faces quickly brighten up.. and smile
...now, are they smiling because they notice me, and it's time to apply attention and eagerness to the situation ...or because they don't want to appear or be seen in an unsatisfied state..
(i don't write about things anymore.. until they pile up and tip the arms the the scale.. some things continually poke at a certain spot on my being and cause my vision to bruise with climactic images suffering..
i was riding my bike around.. i saw a cat lying on his side on the concrete sidewalk. his eyes were open in a squint like he was catching a little sun ..except there was piss pouring out of his ass.. and he wasn't moving.. he was laying..
maybe hit by a car..
i played online poker w/a friend.. he kept taunting me.. i kept taunting him.. eventually i sent him home..
in silence.
we sat in the car on the way back, me driving, the radio on. him sitting in the other seat. i lied and told him i had to go get some dinner w/another friend. i just didn't want to tell him that egos are like eggs.. you crack yours against another person's and only one is bound to survive.. if both survive, they have graduated from eggs to rocks. br>that is a tragedy.. i'd rather break than become stronger.
strength is deceptive.
because finite abilities are actually lures based upon the infinite outline of a beautiful fish that can be seen swimming at night.. to be strong for a day is not a characteristic of victory, but the coronation of a new flaw..
i would rather spill my life and break into many smaller men.
i looked at her on the bed.. she laid on her stomach.. on top of the down comforter.. had no warmth in her eyes, no need in them either... no need and no reason.
i did not fuck her awake. i did not fuck her to sleep. i fucked her in spite of the nominal seasons of eruption in man's short-lived survey of himself..
there is nothing in man. there is nothing in this man. except his 2 lives. and both of them grip at each other's throats.)
i thought about the look on her face.. and about the same looks upon many of her faces.. and i began to wonder freshly.. are u really here .. are u really satisfied... am i thinking about you and leaving my fingerprints all over your surface..
i sometimes think that well behind their eyes has been empty for a long time..and they're just used to it by now.
