2008-07-26 - 3:10 a.m.
it's not copper.. his name is cobra.
you finally got rid of that stupid plaque. congratulations. not sure if i like that pic though.. i still have all our pics from xmas and all our porn pics and all the outdoor bbq pics.. i don't know why i keep them. i don't even look at them.
... i think you imagine your life is different than it really is.. and i'm used to that which is why i've stopped trying to reason with people.. i find i do much better when i just live and let die.
sometimes i think about you. but not in that way. i can't really let myself have hope. and yet i can't really let go. my heart is especially cruel to me and i've never understood why... it's always attached itself to people i've never really wanted.
i never really loved you.
even when i said i loved you i never really loved you.
i was more in love with the idea of being in love... but when i was with you, i was just looking for something better to come along and it never did.
the more i live life, the more i find that life is not about being happy. life is about settling. settling for whatever you can get.
and yet i can't even live what i am shorn down to; i recently dated a swimsuit model. for me that's settling. but even then i couldn't settle. i couldn't be happy with her. and not because i don't have feelings. quite the contrary. i have too many feelings and absolutely nothing to do with them.... i am more of a girl than any girl i know.
my heart weaves in and out between death and romance. those are the only 2 subjects in life that interest me. death and romance.
i've always wanted to be loved because my first experience with love was falling into love and dying there. as i lay there, i dreaded love. i dreaded what it did to me. what it eventually made me. and finally, after 5 torturous lifetimes called 'years', love let me go. it left me without the direction i had always been familiar with-- obsession. and instead it mutated wanting into wandering.
and i wandered the world. not knowing where i would end up.
and even though i've never really had a home, a place of rest, i somehow wandered back to the only semblance of home i knew.. and one after another, i met. i have met so many women i can't even begin to count them or remember them.
and i've never loved any of them.
i never had the chance to.
either the ones i wanted to love wouldn't allow me to meet them. or the ones that did fall in love with me made little difference to me. i never loved any of them. including you.
which is strange because when i look back, it brings me the extreme sensation of some phantom pain that shouldn't exist.
whenever i think of you, i always think of you hopping onto my back on the road near the beach as we were about to cross the street to go down to the secret place by the rocks. it's funny how your love is useless as most girls are fickle with their love. like the seasons, forever changing and trading one feeling for another. and my love is non-existent. it is a play, not upon words, but life itself. i should love you. but i didn't love you. i wanted to love. but i couldn't.
i couldn't.
it was the little things....
it was the little dots on the back of your thighs.. every time i looked at them as i walked behind you, i wondered if i could or would love you if i decided to love you in 20 years. i wondered if you would get fat like your mom and whether or not i'd be stuck with you..
and your feet.
they are average feet... i've seen gorgeous feet.. but your feet were not gorgeous.. i know that loves makes every appendage shine.. and the fact that i could see the honesty in each of your features bothered me.... i saw the small bumps of acne on your forehead as your broke out.. i saw your hallow cheeks and bulging eyes... i saw the dark red lines in your eyeballs that seemed to flare and demand to be noticed. i saw the dark circles and wrinkles around your eyes.. i saw the mismatched indentations in your knees.. i saw the drooping flesh of your ass as i ate you out..
i noticed everything..
because details become dragons in my vision..
and yet despite all that, whenever i think of you, not usually, but whenever i indulge my heart, there is a hard pang of yearning for certain other details...
you close your eyes slowly. in a maddening lovely way that makes me want to protect you from any harm.
your picture got rated a 5.something on a dating website.. and it made me sad for how that must've made you feel because i know women guard their self-etseem the way leprechauns horde their gold. it's a matter of life and death... i want to hold you and tell you that it didn't matter.. that i thought you were lovely ...
and like i said, i remember most of all, the time you jumped on my back for the piggyback ride.. it surprised me.. it was the only genuine time i ever felt with you where you dared to show me how you felt in a careless and candid way.. and it turned me on. you wanted to play with me.. you wanted me to carry you down to the beach on my back and i was more than happy to have you up there.. it made me forget the earth and the hole spent in time.. it made me wish you would be mine forever.
i remember when you hid behind the blanket or pillow and induldged my silly desire to play peek-a-boo.. i cannot adequately describe the intense feelings such trivial moments embedded deep into me.. i wish i was a girl so i could forget you the very next day. but i can't. i'm a man. and men love so much more profoundly than women. men love because they are the epitome of love's reach. and women respond because they are the epitome bowl into which love must be poured to be contained.. otherwise love lives in an unconstrained state of madness. without boundaries. without hope. without rest. without shores..
and i wonder sometimes...
i wonder if my heart can do what i tell it to do..
i wonder if i could have loved you.. i wonder if i could have told my heart to care for you...
the first time i fell in love, i learned to dread the thought of being alive.. i learned to hate every hour of every day because i could not have what drove me to wake up and prevented me from sleeping-- the thought of another person being the sun, moon and stars..
i didn't want you to be my guiding constellations. i didn't want u to have that power over me.. i didn't want you to have the ability to bring me to my knees if push came to shove...
so i guarded my affection and left you...
not knowing how much i would miss you.. how much i would need you.. how much i would dread the thought of never hearing you say you loved me...
and then you left. and i died.
again.
it's a familiar pattern. it happened before.. i didn't love a girl. she left, i felt the pang of memories and feelings that never materialized and meant anything until it was over..
and i wonder if that is settling... or finally surrendering to how you could possibly feel if your heart agreed to live under the whim of another master.
......"stalkers" (a conveniently silly female term if i've ever heard one) follow you to love you... i can't. i can't allow myself to feel that kind of feeling for you. especially since i know you are in another world.
female love is malleable and can fit in many different hands by design. your love lives and dies like an ocean current and has no meaning to me now that i know its nature..
but i am human and i need love just as we all need the passing sustenance of food that will never satisfy us..
i beg for death daily but am too cowardly to seek it out on my own.. god knows, i've tried.
i know why women trade men for cats.. they trade love for acceptance. and i've traded in the bulk of my love for a little dog that cannot hurt me.. but he can hardly attempt to heal me.
you once had a bad day and announced, "i need a stiff drink."
i didn't share the sentiment found in numbing agents because you were with me ... but i need the strong placid smoke of the earth right now to eat away all the hard, heavy thoughts of living another day without love.
i know you are incapable of understanding love. men. my thoughts. me. and anything in this letter. it's not a plea. it's not a request. it's not question. it's not an answer.
it's just a declaration to the deaf ears of life. nothing more.
if you don't read this, it won't matter either way. i will be in the same exact spot tomorrow. and you will be in the same spot as well. and our spots will never meet. you have moved on. i have decomposed.... i find that i can only identify with those who have lost the most.. "The Island of Misfit Toys".. so i've stopped trying to identify with people and instead concentrate on figuring out better ways to escape from my appetite for love. i need the love-distracting numb of the smokey green gardens.
if all your loved ones get hit by a meteor, look me up. otherwise just delete this. it won't mean anything when i come to my senses.
